07 April 2014

Dear Abby

Is there anyone out there who doesn't know who Dear Abby is? This was in her column the other morning:
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 50s and overweight. I work hard, eat three meals a day and am - more or less - healthy except for sore feet after work. I'm aware of the medical warnings. Who isn't? But I have decided to accept myself as I am, relax and be happy.

For years, I have been hard on myself for not being slim. This is me in my 50s. I don't expect myself to be slim like I was in my 20s. Now I can smile, breathe easier, have a good time, and finally buy the new clothes I have put off buying until I was thinner. My new spirit is weightless and my new attitude has made my life more meaningful. Any thoughts?

- Living Free at Last

DEAR LIVING FREE: Only this: We all have choices to make about our health, what is important to us and how we want to live our lives. You have made yours, and at this point it appears to have been the right one for you. May it ever be thus.
You gotta love her! She told it like it is, even back in 1981!
As I read this, I kept thinking "I wish I could feel this way". But I don't. Not at all. Here's the similarities:
1) I am in my 50's and overweight. By a lot. Over 100 pounds overweight.
2) I work hard, eat three meals a day, and am - more or less - healthy other than sore knees after walking a lot. (Osteoarthritis will do that to you, 150 pounds extra weight doesn't help, either.)
3) I'm aware of the medical warnings. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday to renew my scrips for blood pressure control (that losing 150 or so pounds would probably make unnecessary). Oh, I'm well aware of the medical warnings. The numbers from the lab are grim.
4) I have been hard on myself because of all this (more later on this particular point).

But that's where the similarities end.
1) I am NOT relaxed and happy.
2) While I don't expect to be as slim as I was in my 20's (which honestly wasn't very "slim", but "husky" perhaps), I should not be morbidly obese.
3) I smile a lot, because I've got a lot to be happy about, but I can't smile about this.
4) Nor can I breathe easier. While I'm not too worried about living until I'm 90 (yeah, right, I might make it to 70), I don't want to die tomorrow, either.
5) I can have a good time, but not always doing what I want to do.
6) I despise buying clothes. My look is "frumpy" because NOTHING looks good on my. Skinny jeans? HAHAHAHAHA Even ones that aren't baggy as elephant skin on a giraffe are not flattering at all. ALL shirts are polo/golf style, with t-shirts that are 3" longer in the back to avoid showing way too much of me when I bend over. Nothing looks fashionable, and if it does, it doesn't come big enough. I think I own stock in Omar the Tent Maker.
7) MY spirit, as far as my self-image goes, is far from weightless, and this attitude isn't meaningfully healthy at all.

It's great that Living Free at Last can make those super positive choices. I don't think I can.  

I hate myself for letting myself get into this kind of shape (mostly like a squishy lump of lard). I avoid mirrors (especially full length ones) like the plague. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. For 30 years, I managed to keep up with a passle of 11-17 year old boys tramping all over the damn place - from the mountains to the sea.

But a bigger but. For some unknown reason, I cannot fathom why, with the self-loathing I feel almost all the time, I can't get motivated to do a damn thing about it. I come home from work, totally mentally shot. But this isn't any different than the year+ that I spent in the gym, 3-4 times a week. Working with a trainer every Saturday for a year. Losing 40 pounds, and NOT feeling my knees hardly at all. I walked all over England with nary a sore muscle. Yeah, I rode the train a lot, but you get what I mean. Now I'm almost back to not being able to talk to the damn mailbox without feeling like a ton of bricks is hanging on my back.

I'm back to eating shit food. Hardee's biscuits for breakfast. Subs for lunch. I still cook for dinner, and try to make some healthy stuff, but I swear it seems like carbs and fat lead the list, even when I try to make it all better with some spinach or green beans. It doesn't help when we have pizza at youth group, or I throw up my hands and just order some myself.

WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?! It sucks. It's not like I'm lonely or depressed (well, a little lonely occasionally, but I don't think I'm depressed). I've been busy at ROSMY. I'll be camping next weekend with about 400 cavers out in Bath County, VA  (but I sure won't be heading underground and act as an anchor for a group). It will be fun! I see friends regularly. But I cannot get this lack of exercise and crappy eating back in check.

OK. Enough of this pity party. But this is what has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. I leave you with this...

I just added this. I don't care if Honey Maid Graham Crackers are good for me or not, they are now my GO TO snack food (in moderation of course)!

No comments:

Post a Comment